I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
