His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
