Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
