I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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