I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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