Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
