I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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