I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
