Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
