he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
