mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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