he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
