Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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