I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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