You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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