My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
