Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
