just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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