Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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