The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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