Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
