I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize