There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
