It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
