I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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