Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
