He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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