hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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