fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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