And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
