how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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