Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
