You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
