Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This is the high leading the old right now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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