I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
