oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
