I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
