Me too!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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