Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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