the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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