winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We talked him into tasing himself.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
