I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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