I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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