Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize