Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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