I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
