I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
