I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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