I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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