What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
