Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
