And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize