i already hear my dad disowning me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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