Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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