theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
