As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize