my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
